By Richrd and Vivian Crabbe
As of today, April 19, 2020 every country in the world and almost all of the world’s 7 billion people were under some form of coronavirus-related restrictions, ranging from limited trips away from home for essential items to a complete stay-at-home lockdown. Wherever you are, how are you faring during these uncertain times? Here is a description of some experiences.
For some folks, the lockdown seems like an extended vacation, albeit at home, spending lots of time with spouse and family. But a man wrote to us that after the first few days, it became boring. For others, coping with the children at home has resulted in stress beyond normal, just like a young mother shared. Some are having to deal with sharing the same space with a spouse all day, every day! Perhaps for you, with no opportunity to be away from each other to pass the time with friends, strains are beginning to develop in your relationship, and behaviors that did not seem to bother you now cause constant friction.
There are folks trying hard to balance working from home and taking care of their children throughout the day. Many of us have children at home or parents and relatives that we suddenly have to take care of. Unless we are unwell or showing symptoms of Covid-19, social distancing does not mean we keep away from our family who are at home with us.
You may have seen the video of the exasperated mother confessing that mother does not know everything, because she could not understand how to solve the algebra equation 2x-y = 1; neither could she read music to teach her daughter. Now, many parents are openly saying that teachers are heroes, and that caregivers of children from creches through high school are amazing and deserve our gratitude and full respect. And how about the mother praying that God should cause her daughter to understand that the fact that the fridge contained food did not mean it had to be constantly opened and the food consumed. Perhaps her child is at the age when growing children embark on a “see food diet,” meaning, everything they see, they eat!
Well, while thinking of the mixed feelings and reactions people have to the lockdown or other restrictions and discomforts, one healthcare worker reminded us that some of them are parents, and that in some families, one or both parents work on the frontlines fighting Covid-19, which makes coming home to one’s spouse and children more nerve-wracking, with fear that one might catch the virus and pass it on to someone in the family. Added to that anxiety is the guilty feeling of not being able to spend more time with the children who are now at home. We salute our healthcare workers. We also appreciate better now the importance to our lives of the usually “unseen,” less respected or behind-the-scenes people who serve us—the grocery shelf stocker, the janitor, the trash collector, delivery van driver, meat factory packers, and fruit pickers. May God bless and protect them and their families.
We also have heard from some of those who are experiencing how to grow their love relationship while unable to regularly meet face-to-face as before.
We are all dealing with fear, anxiety, confusion, and misinformation about causes and cures. Add to that mix the stress of not knowing when all this will end. Truth is that each of us deals with these in our own way. And we also need to remember that a crisis has the potential to bring out the best and worst in each of us.
Relationship bonding or bust?
How is your relationship faring? How can we do the best for our relationships despite being unable to interact as we have been used to? In their article, “How Not to Tank Your Relationship in Quarantine,” John Tierney and Roy Baumeister point out that
“This time of isolation could be a period of great growth or great struggle in your relationship.”
Therefore, the important question to consider is: At the end of this lockdown period, will our relationship be better and stronger than before?
Many singles have found creative ways to stay in touch during this. If your fiancé(e) or family is in another part of the country or even the world you may be using one or more of the many available resources to connect on the different platforms that we can use to communicate: Instagram, Snapchat, Facetime, Skype, and WhatsApp, for example.
We have heard some folks say the extra time together has helped them draw closer to each other, as they have been able to talk more, do thins together, and just enjoy each other’s company.
Sad to say, but for some, the more time spent together has exposed the cracks that were developing or had developed in the relationship. Attempts at discussion have ended as arguments. Disagreements have become quarrels. Suggestions have become impositions. In their article, Tierney and Baumeister describe the recent experience of one couple on board the Diamond Princess cruise ship, where couples were cooped up for two weeks in their cabin during the ship’s quarantine after a coronavirus outbreak, one of the first reported on a cruise ship.
“Ellis Vincent, a retired airline executive from Australia, told a reporter that he and his wife, Kimberly, were passing the time by having long conversations during which she displayed a remarkable memory.
“She is able to bring up every transgression I’ve ever had,” he said. “I believe she is not finished.”
Ouch!
Also, one of the effects of the lockdown has been a rise in domestic violence being reported in several countries. For example, Ugandan police have said there is a rise in domestic violence cases since the country began a two-week lockdown. Such reports have attracted the attention of António Guterres, United Nations Secretary General, who tweeted on April 7, 2020:
“Peace is not just the absence of war. Many women under lockdown for #COVID19 face violence where they should be safest: in their own homes.” Today I appeal for peace in homes around the world.”
But, friends, there is a better way of spending all day together than picking on each other’s faults or weaknesses. And no one wants to be in an abusive marriage. As a married couple, you need to think of yourselves as being on the same team, and to consider how to work together. The saying is true, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand” (Mark 3:25). The Good News Bible translation of the same verse says, “If a family divides itself into groups which fight each other, that family will fall apart.”
Well then, what can we do?
Accept the reality of the situation
First, we need to accept the reality that we are living in times that we are not used to. Let us not pretend things are the same as before. For most of us, there is now nowhere to go; nowhere to hide. Work in the office or after work meetings at church cannot now be used as an excuse to be away from home.
Take stock of what you have to deal with
Next, consider carefully what you now have to deal with, individually and as a family. Is it sharing the same space? Is it having the children with you throughout the day? Is it preparing meals for everyone three times a day? How about not having your favorite live sports programs or other shows? If you are married, once you have noted all that you have to handle, discuss and agree on expectations and sharing of responsibilities on issues such as
- How do we manage the use of space? If you have to work from home, this includes creating space dedicated to work. May people are using technology for office meetings, and you need to ensure that your children or someone in the house does not pop into a video conference call.
- How will we organize lessons for the children? They will also need some space for learning.
- How will we organize our daily lives? During work and school days, we have had our schedules and routines. Now with all of us at home but having to work and children taking some lessons via distance learning, we need to create a schedule. The daily routine should include times for office work, chores such as doing the dishes, reading and homework time for children, exercise, and leisure/play. It is also important for everyone to know what each member of the family has to do, so a simple chart placed in an area where all can see and read would be helpful. If you have children, they may already have been complaining about being bored. They may also have been asking why daddy cannot come right now to play ball with them or why mummy has to be left alone talking to some people on her laptop. Explain to them that, for now, being at home is not holiday time for dad, mum, or anyone.
- How will we spend free time? One of the challenges here is that with no school, and with parents at home, children might not readily understand why parents cannot play with them or why they cannot play the whole day.
All of us, together with our children, are used to daily schedules and routines. Without any, we tend not to function well. So, agreeing on a daily routine or schedule will prove helpful.
All of this needs to be done with patience, patience, and more patience. This is the time to cooperate with each other to have a harmonious environment in the home. Remember that all in the family, and not just you, are under stress. Maybe one of your children may also be dealing with anxiety. And being angry, moody, or sulking will not change the reality you have to deal with. In fact, your attitude might be making things worse. The Bible says in the Letter of James, Chapter 1, verses 19-20:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (New International Version).
Let us now share some ideas for Family Activities
Have a daily time for family worship
This can consist of singing, reading God’s word, prayer, and meditation. This is a no phone, no screen time. We all shift our focus away from the news media and daily Covid-19 updates and briefings, away from the messages and videos on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, and other social media with their doomsday scenarios, to reset and renew our trust in the Almighty, the One Who promises to be with us, and Who holds the future. The Bible states in Psalm 46: 1,
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble;”
and
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!” (New King James Version, NKJV).
Create time for exercise
Health experts caution that staying at home over the long period might lead to people putting on weight, and advise that we all try to exercise, especially since gyms are closed. Emily Young & Lauren Turner; interviewed fitness personnel about how to exercise while staying at home.
Personal trainer Keris Hopkins from Cardiff in the United Kingdom says, “There are tons of things you can do from your chair or sofa – squats, tricep dips, crunches, body work exercises and so on. “If you have kids at home, you can get them involved. Make activities fun, like running around or playing hide and seek. Just keep moving.”
Hopkins says, “It’s important to plan your day – for example 7am to 8am work out online. It will help people find a focus if they plan. And if you can get outside, try to get your 10,000 steps done.” If you cannot go outside, and have a staircase, try walking up and down the stairs a number of times, increasing the number gradually every day. Whatever your space, find somewhere to do some exercise.
Becky Hill, who is also a fitness trainer and therapist, says exercise “decreases stress and anxiety.” Everyone is stressed at the moment and people aren’t sleeping she says. “But if you’re moving, you’re likely to sleep better.”
Have some fun family time
When was the last time you played a game as a family? You could split into teams and choose a game, selected by parents or children. If your children are in their teens, you could have a parents vs kids match. Spice things up by making names for each team. And a board game spread on a table around which the family gathers promotes more interaction and communication than hunching over a tablet or sitting in front of a widescreen monitor. You could have the kids take turns to serve a snack or dessert. Here are other ideas we have gathered:
- Have a family forum: Have your children choose a topic of interest and discuss for an hour as a family. This could enable each child to share their thoughts on what they are feeling about the lockdown, news, etc. and inform parents about any issues such as anxiety or confusion.
- Have a storytelling time. Each member of the family takes turns to tell a story. Do not worry if it sounds like something the person made up; all the wonderful stories we read growing up were also made up by someone who wrote them down and had them published as a book.
- Organize a play/skit, complete with costume, snacks, and drinks. You can even make it competitive, and then have a vote to decide which presentation wins the fans’ favorite award. Yes, find a token and wrap it for the awards ceremony.
- Create an awards night at the end of the week to honor those who have performed well—best story, best dance, best in household chores, best helper in the kitchen, etc.
Make these times fun, and remember, the goal is to get everyone to participate!
Plan some husband-wife time as well
Quite often, spouses pour their energy into looking after their children, creating all kinds of activities with them. But it is equally important that spouses make time for each other as well. At a recent relationship seminar, married couples share how they met and developed their friendship into marriage. Almost all of them spoke about how they spent lots of time talking, whether in person or long distance, even trans-continental. To wrap up the session, we asked, “And how much are you talking with each other, now that you are married and together in the same home?” The general consensus was, not much; very little, compared to the time before marriage. How about making some time during the lockdown to talk about the good old days? We can also discuss ideas that have been floating in our minds but which we have not had the time, yes, the time to share with each other. Now we have the time. Let us use it to our benefit before the lockdown is over.
One thing that is important to share during this time is how you are feeling about what you are going through. This is because we all handle stress and pressure situations differently, and we may also assume that all is well with our partner or spouse if they do not speak about their feelings. It may be the fear of job loss, anxiety about catching the coronavirus or what the future holds. As we share with each other, we have opportunity to practice listening, and listening with genuine concern. This is not a request to fix the situation; we need to understand that giving a listening ear to someone in a time of stress helps to relax the speaker and encourages the person to feel valued and cared for.
Yes, there is a difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is a sense; it happens when sound hits our ears and involves the processing of sound in the brain. Like right now, you are hearing my voice. It can be passive—you can hear my voice while doing something else. On the other hand, listening is an action we consciously take. When we listen, we go beyond simply hearing words by giving our attention to what is being said. When a partner/spouse shares from their heart, let us thank them. Then we reciprocate next time we talk. The wise teacher said in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 4, verses 9 and 10:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up” (NIV).
Just in case your relationship or marriage has been struggling, do not lose heart. Consider getting good counseling to repair what has not been working well. You may even have lost hope but, in the words of Jesus as recorded in Matthew Chapter 19, verse 26:
“Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible” (New Living Translation).
There is a psychological cost to the lockdown. Our minds may be weighed down by what we have lost or are afraid of losing—loss of job, loss of income, loss of a family member/relative, loss of friend, loss of colleague, loss of neighbor. Adding to these the loss of our closest love relationships might crush us and lead us into depression. We do not play down these realities, particularly the grief you may be experiencing over lost ones, but we would like to suggest that instead of dwelling on what you have lost or may lose, pay more attention to what you now have—someone who still loves you, a spouse, children, a family—and be thankful. Rather than looking for the next opportunity to criticize or remind a spouse or loved one of their shortcoming or failure, think of ways you can encourage each other. If you are used to sending a text message, upgrade to a phone call. If you talk by phone, upgrade to a video call. Let us also find joy in connecting and reconnecting with extended family members—uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings—to find out how they are doing and to cheer them up. Life, the saying goes, is short. As we read from the Book of Proverbs, Chapter 12, verse 25:
“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad” (NKJV).
Practice putting your smartphone to bed before you lie down.
Are you one of those who has to share the bed every night with your spouse lying next to you in bed scrolling Facebook or WhatsApp and ignoring you. Or perhaps you are the one who does that? If every night the routine is to get into bed to engage your device rather than your spouse, it is time to put the phone down and switched off. We know some couples who have a phone or screen curfew; after a certain time, every device with a screen is switched off—no laptop, no television, no phone. They spend the time catching up on each other’s day. Sometimes, they just chat about anything that comes to mind.
One Brigham Young University study that included 143 married (or cohabiting) women concluded that “technoference” can be damaging to a relationship. Study participants reported that phones and other tech devices were significantly disruptive in their relationships, resulting in greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. The study is one of the first to report that a person’s engagement with technology can actually make their partner depressed.
Why? When your partner pays more attention to the phone instead of you, it feels like rejection, and that is painful to the point of your mental health being affected.
When a conversation, meal, or romantic moment is disrupted because of a text, email, or any other task, the message is, “What I’m doing on my phone is more important than you right now,” or, “I’m more interested in my phone than in you,” or, in some cases, “you’re not worthy of my attention.”
It is because the other person is likely to experience such moments as rejections that technoference can literally impact their psychological health. Rejections, even small ones, tend to be extremely painful, as your brain responds the same way it does to physical pain. Even mini-rejections, such as a partner turning to the phone in the middle of a conversation, can elicit the common reactions rejections cause—hurt feelings, a drop in mood and self-esteem, and a surge of anger and resentment. Over time, these small wounds can fester and increase conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and lead to a drop in life satisfaction and an increase in symptoms of depression.
Tonight, put your phone or tablet away and talk with your spouse. Begin afresh and build on it.
Conclusion
At the end of all these restrictions, will your relationship be stronger and better? What do you need to do as an individual? What do you need to do as a couple? What do you need to do as a family? What do you need to do more? What do you need to reduce? What changes do you need to make? In his second letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul encouraged them with these words in Chapter 3, verse 18:
“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (NKJV).
So, do not let this lockdown wear you down; it will surely end. Instead, let us use this time to renew our love relationships and marriages, revitalize our family life, and refresh ourselves. At the end of this lockdown period, may our lives and our families be changed for the better. May our love for each other grow deeper, may our families grow closer, may our marriages bond stronger, and may our homes become havens that we will love and cherish. Finally, stay home, stay safe, and save lives. With God’s help, we will survive.
References
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/how-cellphone-use-can-disconnect-your-relationship (04/08/2020)
Original study titled “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being.
McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000065
Also at: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-52280-001 (4/8/2020)
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52103066 (3/31/20)
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-51933762 (3/26/20)
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/03/how-maintain-your-relationship-quarantine/608830/ (3/31/20)
https://www.bbc.com/news/live/world-africa-47639452 (4/7/2020)
What it Means to Be a Good Listener: http://www.goodchoicesgoodlife.org/choices-for-young-people/listen-up/ (4/18/20)