DATING AND COURTSHIP

Richard and Vivian Crabbe

Every person has ideas about the type of person they would like to marry. Dating and courtship are two types of social relationships that we use to help us decide whom to marry.

Dating

Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship. It is a form of courtship, consisting of social activities done by the couple, either alone or with others. With the use of modern technology, people can date via telephone or computer or meet in person.[1]

When you do hear the term ‘dating,’ it means that those two people are exclusively with each other. It means that person is off limits to other people. The word ‘talking’ is an easier, less official way to tell your friends who you’re hanging out with and could potentially want to date.

The main difference between dating and being in a relationship is that people in a relationship are connected by a mutual commitment to each other. You and the person you’re with have agreed, either officially or unofficially, that you’re seeing each other exclusively and are in a partnership together.

Courtship

Courtship is perhaps a rather antiquated word that was once used in order to describe the events that occur when a couple was past the dating phase, and are now involved in a more serious stage of their relationship, whereas dating has a more nonchalant implication and so implies that the couple aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

Courting, or the act of courting, is defined as the experience of establishing an intense relationship with someone, with the desire to see if marriage is correct choice for the couple. 

Courtship takes place well before the couple becomes officially engaged or married. Courtship is when a man is attempting to “woo” a woman, (to win her over) with the end result being marriage.[2]

How long should I date someone before getting married?

Pychologist Shauna Springer has stated, “Some marital experts would argue that two years is a good amount of time to wait. If you are looking for a general rule of thumb, then two years is probably a good length of time for most people, but I don’t personally favour any hard-and-fast rule about how long a courtship should be. I think it depends completely on the character of the people involved, how often they see each other, in what situation(s) they spend their time dating, and how intentional they are about discovering their degree of fit”.[3]

Characteristics you would want in a spouse

Here are some important pointers:

Honesty: Honesty builds trust between people. Dishonesty confuses the other person, destroying their trust along with their sense of reality. Nothing has a more destructive impact on a close relationship between two people than dishonesty and deception.[4] It is not enough to just have open communication; the communication must also be honest.  If the person cannot speak the truth now, we should not expect that he/she will easily do so after getting married. In several cases, the seeds of unfaithfulness are sown even before the marriage began. The thing about honesty is that it’s a sign of security. What you see is what you get, and there is absolutely nothing to hide.

Respect: Does the person show respect for you and others, especially his own family members? Does the person honour the parents? If the person does not treat his or her own parents well, they could do the same to yours. In courtship and in marriage, partners should respect each other. Beware of anyone who preys on your weaknesses or who constantly puts you down. True love energizes a person to become better, not worse. Partners should also see and treat each other as equals. Do you have a say in decisions regarding the relationship? If your views and opinion do not matter while you are courting, they will not matter after you are married. In most cases, seeds of spousal abuse, for example, are sown long before one says, “I do”.

Communication: Effective communication is as important to a relationship as oil is to an engine. Having the ability to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner is essential to understanding each partner’s needs and desires. Do you take your partner’s ideas and views seriously? How seriously does the person regard your views? Your partner should not ignore, dismiss or make light of your feelings and emotions about any issue. The person should be willing to listen and learn. Is the person approachable and receptive to feedback without being overly sensitive about any topic? To have a healthy relationship each partner must be willing to learn and to help the other grow.

Trust: Is the person trustworthy? Do they fulfil their promises? Can they keep something you have shared in confidence? Do they keep what others have confided in them? Similar to honesty, trust is important to any healthy and loving relationship. Without it, you will have to battle negative emotions such as jealousy, insecurity, doubt and hostility.[5] If you do not have faith in your partner, it is better to end the relationship.  

Commitment: Seek qualities that indicate your partner is committed to you and to the relationship. Both the person and the relationship are important. For example, if you are a student is the person patient and willing to wait for you to complete your studies? Is the person open-minded enough to admit weaknesses and demonstrate (not just express) a desire to improve? Both partners should be committed to enriching the relationship by giving effort to be a better person and spouse. For example, is the person willing to undergo pre-marital counselling to help prepare both of you before you marry? They are genuinely supportive of each other’s goals in life. They are sensitive to the partner’s wants, desires and feelings, and place them on an equal basis with their own. The Bible states:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4, New International Version).

It takes both partners, not one, to develop a strong relationship and to make a marriage succeed.

Likeability: How proud are you of your partner? How do you feel introducing the person to your friends and family? Emotions and feelings wear off with time. How comfortable are you in each other’s company? How do you get along? How well are you able to resolve conflicts?

Responsibility/Reliability: Is this person responsible? Can you rely on him/her? Does the person keep promises? How are you able to resolve misunderstandings? Does the person accept responsibility and apologize when they are wrong or does the person shift blame? This quality is important for both men and women.

Humility: What raises a man up more than any other earthly thing is his ability to humble himself. Education, achievement, income or social status can lead a person to become conceited and look down on others. We are not talking about belittling oneself; we are saying that whatever you have or have achieved should be governed by an attitude that respects everyone, regardless of their status in life or what they have.

Self-Discipline: This must be present to develop spiritual character and social maturity. Observe how the person organizes daily activities—work, study, leisure, worship. Note also how they handle their finances and other people’s property.

Free to be oneself: Do you have a say in decisions affecting the relationship? In thriving relationships, power is balanced equally and is used wisely to create an atmosphere of emotional safety. Beware of someone who tries to control you with threatening or manipulative behaviour. Similarly, desist from trying to keep someone in a relationship with such behaviour.

Humour: A sense of humour can be a lifesaver in a relationship. The ability to laugh at one’s self and at life’s foibles allows a person to maintain a proper perspective while dealing with sensitive issues that arise within the relationship.

Loves to spend time with you: Does the person make time and create opportunities to be with you? Is the person fun to be with? If you are in a relationship, this is an important pointer to how the person might use their time after you get married. If you are married, and do not do this, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk, and find out why you are not making time to be in each other’s company, and discuss how you can do so. Yes, we may be busy with work and children, but the saying is true: how we spend our time shows what is important to us and what we are interested in.

Get to know your partner

From the preceding discussion, it is clear that getting to know someone well enough to decide to marry the person would definitely take time; it goes beyond and is deeper than instant attraction.

The prophet Amos asks, “How can two walk together, except they agree? Amos 3:3). We would like to ask, How can you agree to marry someone you don’t know? We know and understand arranged marriages, and the fact that some do succeed.  In more recent times, even cultures with this tradition are allowing some contact, for example, by phone conversations, email, and social media such as Facetime, Skype and Facebook, for the couple to become better acquainted. For most of us, we have a choice to decide whom to marry. The Christian considers marriage a lifetime commitment, not a social experiment.  Therefore, it is important to invest some time before marriage to get to know one’s future partner better.

Learn about the person in different situations: work, play, socially, with siblings, their parents, your parents, subordinates, elders, children, pets, driving, eating habits, angry, happy, sad, joyful, stressed, and relaxing. The more you can learn about the person before you commit to a lifelong relationship, the better.

How can I know that this person is the one for me?

In considering someone for a serious relationship, we need to remember that we really are deciding on the possibility of spending a lifetime together with this person. What should you then look for? The following points will help you determine the right choice.

Faith

For the Christian, faith in Christ is basic (2 Corinthians 6:14). It should be the first item on the checklist. We are talking about more than belonging to a church or even a particular denomination. Does the person have a personal, ongoing relationship with Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord? Why do we raise this? Some have been led to believe a prospective partner is a Christian (believer) simply because they attend a particular church. Membership of a church or a denomination, however spiritual, does not make a person a follower of Jesus, in the same way that sleeping in a garage does not make you a car! Others have considered someone as “qualified” because the parents are well respected in Christian circles. Remember, you’ll be marrying the person, not the parents. The person should also be growing as a Christian, someone who consistently applies the Word of God to his/her life. The last point is important because the Bible is the manual on which a Christian should base all life decisions, including the conduct of a marriage.

Prayer

Seek God’s direction and guidance. He knows you and He also knows who will be best for you. Trust in the Lord and commit your ways unto Him (Psalm 37: 4-7; Proverbs 3:5, 6; 16:3). What is seen is not everything. God sees and knows what we do not see. Dr. Gary Chapman says, “Your relationship with God enhances your marriage relationship.” We start well to start with God, rather than we do everything (find a partner, fix the wedding date) then come to God to rubber stamp our choice and bless our union.

Checklist

If you know what you are looking for in a partner, then check if the one you are thinking of has those qualities. Writing all these out can be a helpful exercise. Then we suggest you sit in a quiet place and see if any doubts about this come to mind, especially regarding character traits. Write them down as well and then ask yourself if they are important and what to do about them. Wait a bit longer to see if the doubts are real. Can you talk to your partner about any of the items on your list? Consider again what is most important to you in a spouse and whether you truly know that this person has these qualities. If so, you are likely on the right path.

Friends, siblings, parents

While they can all provide us with useful hints about whether someone would make a good partner, the responsibility for the final choice lies with us. As we tell our single friends, the day you say “I do”, it will be you and the person you marry. Family and friends may play different roles to bring a couple together, but ultimately, it is the two partners who have to live in the marriage. Use your head as well as your heart!

When we allow God to be the matchmaker, when we allow him to lead in this area of our lives, we can rest assured that the decision to get married to a particular person will never be second guessed. If you believe that God can heal you, take care of you, and save you, then what makes us think he can’t find that brother or sister to knock us off our feet? When we allow Him to do it, it takes the guessing out of “what if she’s not what she seems to be in 5 years…” God is omniscient. He knows how the person we are interested in will look, think, and act in 5, 10, 50 years. So, why not trust Him?

Dangers to Avoid

In the process of finding someone to marry, it is important that one does not compromise any moral principles. Sometimes the tension hinges on whether you should let go of some of the right principles you have lived by, as parents or friends label you as being too rigid in upholding biblically sound ways of living. Here are some examples of common occurrences people face.

“Prove your love for me by . . .”

Beware of any pressure to act or do things that you know are wrong, simply because you do not want to lose the person. For example, do you have to prove your love to someone by kissing them or sleeping with them? Some women try to impress the man they are interested in by offering to clean house for them, do the laundry or cook on a regular basis. Investing so much time and energy may actually benefit one person, the man, and is no guarantee for securing a marriage proposal. Demands of proof for one’s love undermine efforts to get to know each other and to develop a relationship based on mutual trust and respect.

Manipulation

Behaving like a child to get attention, buying expensive gifts, throwing a tantrum about why your partner has not called you a certain number of times in a day are some ways people use to manipulate a partner. Some women think about and plan to get pregnant to “grab him” or secure the relationship—we’ve known some men to acknowledge pregnancy and accept the child, but say no to marriage; others have asked the lady to get an abortion. Then there are those who employ the services of leaders—deacons, senior family members, pastors to “present their case.” This places undue stress on the person who is on the receiving end, especially if their mind is not yet made up. It can be a recipe for messing up what could have developed into a beautiful relationship leading to marriage. It is okay to have friends help to smooth the way, but to apply pressure of any kind to get someone into a relationship is a no-no.

Demands for money or other benefits

When one partner begins to demand money, favours or insists on being taken to restaurants or given expensive gifts, we think this is cause for caution. Sometimes the demands may come from parents or siblings. We have known parents who have demanded that a man interested in marrying their daughter should first put her through school. This kind of transaction often ends in the man not respecting the woman or even maltreating her after marriage.

Playing games

This is closely related to manipulation. For example, it is childish and risky to decide not to answer someone’s messages to see how they will react, for example, how angry they will get. You need to remember that you are toying with someone’s life, a life precious to God!

Lone wolves

If the person has no other friends, watch out! Women should find out who are the men in his life he looks up to? Similarly, a man should check out which women have most influenced or have most influence over the woman he’s interested in. The saying is true: “Show me your friends, and I will know who you are.”

Rush to marry

Unless you are being forced to marry someone, there is no need to rush into marriage. Consider that this is potentially a lifetime commitment. Does it make sense to get married to someone you do not know very well? We are not talking about arranged marriages, where the two people have an expectation that they have to and will make the effort to learn about each other. We are more concerned about those who think they are getting on in years, their friends are getting married and leaving them behind or those who feel they are old enough to marry.  Many of the problems we have worked with couples to deal with in their marriages would not have arisen if they had done such preparation. People go to university four years and write a final exam. Once they pass, they do not have to do so again. In marriage, however, a person’s ability is tested daily, whether it is about how to resolve a conflict with one’s spouse or how to balance office work with washing, cooking, cleaning, and playing with the children.

What if my parents disagree with my choice of partner?

Have a face-to-face, serious talk to find out why they object. Are their reasons valid? Sometimes we can be blinded by love or our minds may be all mushy due to the rush of excitement at being in love or being pursued by someone we truly desire or that we know others also desire.

Decide whether you are willing to wait. Some objections such as “finish school first” or either you or him should “get a job first” can be dealt with without much of a problem. Others such as race or ethnicity are more complex. What you truly believe is precious and guided by God is worth waiting for.

References

Crabbe, Richard, and Vivian Crabbe. 2020. Help! I Want to be Married. Unpublished.

Firestone, Lisa. n.d. “Dating Resolutions: 7 Characteristics of an Ideal Partner.” https://www.psychalive.org/. Accessed August 21, 2020. https://www.psychalive.org/dating-resolutions-7-characteristics-of-an-ideal-partner/.

Ray, Carmelia. 2012. “Top 10 Traits All Singles Are Searching For.” https://www.yourtango.com/. June 4. Accessed August 21, 2020. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/carmelia-ray/top-10-traits-all-singles-are-searching-expert.

Springer, Shauna H. 2012. “How Long to Wait Before Getting Married.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/. October 6. Accessed August 21, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201210/how-long-wait-getting-married.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

https://iblp.org/questions/how-does-courtship-work

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/words-language/difference-between-courting-and-dating/

https://romancegems.blogspot.com/2020/08/keeping-romance-alive-in-2020-victorian.html

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

[2] https://romancegems.blogspot.com/2020/08/keeping-romance-alive-in-2020-victorian.html