By Richard and Vivian Crabbe
Scriptural basis: Genesis 2:25; Colossians 3:9, 10; 1 John 4:18
Underlying principles are
- Honesty: Honesty builds trust between people. Dishonesty confuses the other person, destroying their trust along with their sense of reality. Nothing has a more destructive impact on a close relationship between two people than dishonesty and deception.[1] It is not enough to just have open communication; the communication must also be honest. The thing about honesty is that it’s a sign of security. What you see is what you get, and there is absolutely nothing to hide. A man who has nothing to hide becomes the safe place in which a woman can hide her heart.[2]
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
Honor your word. Promises to do something should be fulfilled. Jesus taught that the one who is faithful in little will be entrusted with much (Matthew 25:21). Can you be trusted to keep your word? Do you fulfil your promises? Can/Do you keep something shared with you in confidence? Trust is important to any healthy and loving relationship. Without it, you will have to battle negative emotions such as jealousy, insecurity, doubt and hostility.
- Share constantly. There’s so much to share with each other every day. Sharing takes time, so we must make time for it. What do we share? – Everyday happenings: something on your commute, something you read online, something that happened at work. Each partner should therefore develop the habit of sharing something about their day. It opens a window for your partner to enter into and experience more of your world, and to understand better the stresses and strains that you have to deal with—the daily highs and sighs.
(Re)Building Trust
Trust can be broken by: constant criticism, dishonesty, poor financial decisions, unguarded conversations with the opposite sex.
Trust can be rebuilt over time. Do not let one or two experiences define your life and destiny. What you need to do is to find out where you went wrong. Yes, even if you feel you did nothing wrong, it is helpful to ask yourself what you could have done to prevent what led to the broken trust.
When Trust Is Broken
- Make time to discuss your concerns with your partner. Avoid giving the person the silent treatment—cutting off communication (not picking up phone calls or responding to messages, for example) for a period. Keeping quiet does not resolve anything. Suppressing feelings of hurt may actually worsen the situation, and can lead you to develop depression and to distrust others.
- Talk through the issues – See Matthew 18:15-17; Proverbs 26:12; 27:5. In order to encourage discussion, inform your partner that you would like to discuss how to improve your relationship. Open the discussion by acknowledging what you feel about the relationship: “I’m not happy about how things are going between us. It seems to me you’re also not happy.” Mention one or two specifics, then say, “I’d like us to work together to improve our relationship.” Note the use of the word together. It is a way of inviting your partner to be part of the process.
- Focus on what you have settled in your mind and avoid arguments. Listen to your partner as well to find out what concerns they may have. Jointly identify what needs to improve. Be open to change.
- Take action. Agree to work together to improve the relationship. Knowing what to do and delaying or not taking the right action can make you miserable. Possible areas may include:
- Attitude: How can I/we think better about each other?
- Behavior: How can we behave better toward each other and with others?
- Character: How can we show respect and genuine concern?
- Circle of friends: Are there some people that we need to drop?
- Habits: What changes do we need to make in how we spend time together?
- Know and uphold what’s important to your relationship. Is it trust, honesty, caring, kindness? Do not compromise on what’s important to you.
- Set boundaries for yourselves.
- Allow the Holy Spirit to heal your heart, and ask Him to guide you subsequently.
- If you feel handicapped in dealing with some of these feelings or issues, discuss with a counsellor, so that past experiences do not poison a new relationship. For example, to deal effectively with and overcome issues of trust and feelings of insecurity, it may be necessary to work through various steps over time. Allowing oneself to heal from past hurts is imperative, and an integral part of ensuring that a subsequent relationship will succeed.
[1] Tamsen Fireston: Seven Qualities of an Ideal Partner
https://www.psychalive.org/seven-qualities-of-an-ideal-partner/
[2] Debora Fileta: What Makes a Man Marriage Material? https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/engagement-newlyweds/what-makes-a-man-marriage-material.html