By Richard and Vivian Crabbe
Every one of us, even during this Covid-19 period, is faced with multiple decisions every day—what to eat, who to spend time with, how long to work, when to exercise, what to wear, and so on. For many, we just do things as they are due or as they come to mind. But some of us are great at planning our daily schedule. Yet amid all that we plan to do, one item that is often left out is time for our relationships, especially relationship with a partner or spouse. With so many things to accomplish, it can be challenging to even decide what to prioritize. Yes, it’s important to set goals, get ahead at work, and learn new things. But those things can sometimes come at the cost of your relationship.
We get into a love relationship or get married to spend time with someone else. When a love relationship begins to develop, we yearn to be in each other’s company. So, why is it that with time, and especially after marriage, we struggle to have time with each other? How can we find the right balance between our daily responsibilities and our love relationships?
Author Kristine Fellizar:
“When you’re in a relationship, wanting to be your partner’s priority isn’t a bad thing at all. After all, if someone is important, you’re going to do the best you can to keep them in your life and show them how much you value them. The reality is, there will be times when you won’t be your partner’s priority and that’s completely OK. But there is a difference between not being your partner’s priority sometimes and not being a priority at all, and if you feel your circumstances may be the latter, it’s important to look for signs you aren’t a priority in your relationship.”
Relationships take time and effort. If you’re in a relationship, first start by asking yourself…
Is my relationship a priority? If married, ask yourself the same question: Is my marriage a priority for me?
Do you feel or find yourself too busy to have time for your relationship?
Steve Maraboli, speaker, author, and behavioral scientist says, “When someone tells you they are too ‘busy,’ it is not a reflection of their schedule; it is a reflection of your spot on their schedule.”
Priority does not come up with excuses; it makes/creates the time.
How does your partner treat you? Are you an option, or do you come after others or other things? With all that we have to accomplish, it can be difficult to prioritize. There are certain things that take priority, but ask yourself – where does your relationship fall on that list? Remember that taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
“Life happens and things often get in the way of plans you and your partner may have made,” says, Davida Rappaport, dating expert and counselor. “As long as this doesn’t happen all the time, you may very well have a good partner.”
So how can you tell if your partner is truly treating you well and prioritizing you as they should? According to Rappaport, it’s all about thinking about things from their perspective. “Things happen from time to time and you and your partner may find that your priorities will shift with them,” she says.
- They’re Always Late
There are legitimate excuses for being terrible at punctuality, but when a person is late every time, well, it says a lot about how they value both the person and the relationship. According to relationship expert April Masini of Ask April, “When someone is always late to meet you — or worse, stands you up — you’re not a priority. Being timely is a sign of respect and being late means you’re not important enough for your partner to prioritize your agreed on meeting time.” Take stock of when your partner arrives and then look at the bigger picture. Does a pattern emerge?
- Special Occasions Aren’t Special
Special occasions matter. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the effort, and if there’s not much effort on the part of your partner, it could show that you’re not a priority. If they constantly forget your birthday year after year, or can’t seem to remember when your anniversary is, that’s a sign you may not be a priority.
- You Feel Single, Even Though You’re Not
If you’re alone more than not, that should be a cause for concern. You’ll never feel like your relationship is already over when you’re a priority. says relationship expert and psychologist Antonia Hall, says “In fact, deep in your gut you often have a lonely feeling, as though you’ve already been dumped, even though you’re still in a relationship.” Are you living as a married single, behaving as if you are still single though you are married?
- They Don’t Mind Disappointing You
How well does your partner keep their word? Do they keep a promise, or they seem to have no problem breaking one?
- They Don’t Put Much Effort Into Meeting Your Needs
When you’re a priority, your partner cares about your needs, and honestly wants to work to see that they’re met. “A partner can’t meet your needs all the time, but there’s a difference between someone working on their behavior because it’s important to their partner and just temporarily placating them until they can go back to status quo. If a person isn’t willing to put in consistent effort after you’ve spoken up, they’re not prioritizing your needs or the relationship,” says Anita Chilpala, dating and relationship expert, and owner of Relationship Reality 312.
Some people leave a partner to face difficulties or distress alone without offering relief or protection. “If you are the only one constantly calling, texting, or scheduling dates, meaning unless you initiate conversations you don’t hear from them, that’s definitely a sign that you are not your partner’s priority,” Temi Olly, Certified Relationship Coach & Speaker says. If you feel like you’re doing too much without getting anything in return, that’s a good indicator that you probably aren’t your partner’s priority.
- They Don’t Make Time For You
There’s a big difference between not having time and not making time. Even the busiest person can make a little bit of time for their partner when their partner matters to them. As relationship educator Lucinda Loveland puts it, “Life is busy, but not too busy that we can’t put things on hold when our partner is sharing something important about their new job promotion, or how their worried about Uncle Jim being in the hospital. If relatives, friends, or work can’t be put off, then you’re obviously not a priority.”
Does your partner let a competing person, task, or thing take priority over you? “It is unacceptable if your partner doesn’t make time for you, especially when there is an important event or occasion that you would want to share with them like a job promotion, a family member’s birthday, or an anniversary.” Everyone is busy, but if your partner is a priority then you should make time for that person.
- They Rarely Text You Or Initiate Conversation First
As you know, communication is super important for relationships to work. If your partner doesn’t make the effort to communicate with you throughout the day or even the week, that’s a sign they’re not making time for you.
Coach Olly says, “People make time for what’s important to them. So, if your partner isn’t making time for you, even if it’s just to send a simple text, even on occasions when they are late to meet with you, then that should tell you something.”
Getting angry at your partner for not texting you all the time can push them away instead of bringing them closer. Letting your partner know that you appreciate it when they check in with you during the day or send a message when they are delayed, is one of the best ways to approach the subject.
- They Forget To Tell You About The Important Life Decisions They’ve Made
“If your partner is making important life decisions without thinking about you and how it affects your relationship, that should tell you your relationship is not a priority to them,” Coach Olly says. For instance, if your partner brings up the fact that they’re leaving to take on a six months-long project without consulting you first, your relationship might not have been on their mind when they decided to take the project on.
Big decisions like that are something that should be discussed together, especially if it involves one partner being away for a period of time. It’s important to be a supportive partner, but it’s just as important to keep each other in the loop. So, make sure your partner knows you want to be taken into consideration when it comes to major decisions they need to make.
- They Only Make Plans With You Last Minute or With Others Except You
Stef Safran, matchmaking and dating expert, says, “If your partner can plan vacations with friends but not with you, then you may not be a priority.” If your partner gets a day off and makes plans with everyone else but you, then those other relationships are the higher priority. If their friends and family get all their time, and you get the scraps, you’re probably not close to the top on their list of important people.
“But if you feel like you’re not a priority, it’s important to speak up about these issues before it becomes resentment.” Being mindful of your time and your schedule is just respectful. Some people make plans but then do not keep them. “Something came up,” is often the reason given. If your partner can’t make the effort to make plans with you in advance and keep them, then it’s time to have a discussion about where they see your relationship going.
- There’s A Lack Of Physical Intimacy
Some people ignore the emotional needs of a partner. For married couples, Dr. Emily Morse, relationship expert and host of Sex with Emily puts it this way: Making time for sex and getting your partner to initiate it more is as simple as scheduling it. “Although it may sound like the least sexy option, scheduling is a great way to make sure sex remains a priority in your lives,” she says.
Sometimes, we make our spouse or partner feel guilty for expecting to be a priority. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be your partner’s number one. So, we should not be afraid to bring it up or put off discussing it.
Are you making your relationship priority ONE?
You see, we hear a lot about priorities in life. How do we prioritize our time, our spending, our tasks at work? Did you know that with priorities, there can really be only one at a time? To have something as a priority means it’s not just up there on the list. It’s the first item.
What are you willing to do to make your relationship a happy one? What are you willing to give up in order to strengthen your relationship? Your answers to these questions will give you an idea as to what the relationship means to you. More importantly, the answers will show how much of a priority your partner/spouse is to you. If you are prioritizing the important things in your life, where would you place your relationship on that list? I’m guessing you might not be putting it at the top. There are consequences if you don’t. You’re cheating yourself and your partner out of your long-term happiness and you may not even realize you’re doing it.
Are you making your partner a priority when they make you feel an option? Or are you making them an option though they make you a priority? Once you realize what you’ve been doing in your marriage or relationship, you’ll want to remedy this. You might apologize, and you might mean it, but the best apology, as they say, is changed behavior. It’s a realization that your partner is the one person in this world that loves you like no other. The one person that has always had your best interest at heart, and that one person that you want to spend the rest of your life loving. You know they are worth giving that place of priority to over ANYTHING else.
When things come up and decisions have to be made; instead of thinking “How will this benefit my career or help me get ahead?” You’ll think instead of how your partner will feel about it and how would they want you to respond. You should start consulting your partner to find out.
What happens when we don’t make our relationship priority one?
When you neglect your connection with your partner they notice. They know they’re not being treated as being important to you. If it has happened to you, you know that it is certainly painful to think you’re not important to your loved one. This creates doubt and sometimes resentment. This resentment can lead to arguing, sometimes about little things, which would lead to more problems. It can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if your partner was making you feel unimportant? Especially if you make them a top priority.
The Consequences
When you don’t make your relationship priority ONE, you’re putting other things ahead of it. It may feel justified to you, even necessary. Perhaps you’re bucking for a promotion at work, and you’re not paying attention to your partner or your love relationship. Maybe you’re a student working to earn a degree and you need to study and cram for your exams. That’s all well and good, and you should be putting forth that great effort to move forward in life, but what good will that promotion be, what good will your degree do you, if you don’t have your partner to share it with?
Ever hear the phrase, “He’s married to his career”? That’s exactly the scenario I’m describing. A man (or woman) who makes their job more important than their spouse is bound to lose.
Another consequence is that the partner then stops trying also and all the effort and work they’ve been putting in trying to hold everything together when you’re absent and uncaring comes to an end. Then what do you have? You have a problem in your relationship. We can easily forget that our behavior or inaction has contributed to the current situation.
When we don’t make our relationship a priority, a spouse/partner begins to feel taken for granted. Their bond of connection erodes over time and causes their partner to lose confidence in them.
This is not a happy situation and there can be anger, pain and resentment along with a feeling of “Why wasn’t I good enough? Why wasn’t I treated with the importance that you’ve given these other areas of your life and work? Wasn’t I smart enough, special enough, sexy enough?” See how this situation causes all kinds of insecurities and self-doubts on the part of your spouse? They begin to question why they’re being demoted in importance in favor of your job or degree.
Relationships should feel like a partnership, where both parties are making an equal effort. When it feels uneven, this is where the problems start to occur. Once it seems like one partner has given up, the other tends to stop trying as well. Think about it – if you notice your partner making a constant effort, it’s more motivating for you to make an effort as well. If they stop making an effort, would you do the same? Everyone is different (and therefore so is every relationship) so people can view this effort way differently. One partner might make an effort by helping with your personal errands.
When you feel unimportant, it greatly affects your self-esteem and can take a toll on other aspects of your life. For example, if you feel your partner puts their job before your relationship, you might ask yourself – what did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I treated with the same or more importance as his / her career? This self-doubt can be destructive not only to you but to the relationship as a whole.
What can we do about this?
If you or your partner are currently struggling to make your relationship a priority, or if you are feeling de-prioritized or neglected in your relationship, it’s always best to discuss this with your partner up front.
- Ask yourself/partner why.
- Discuss what you think might address
- Agree on steps/actions to take, including a date to review that would assure both that the issue is being tackled satisfactorily.
However, if you have to keep discussing the issue and nothing changes, it is time to assess the future of the relationship. An apology is nice, but it is a change in behavior the partner wants to see. Changing one’s behavior is not easy. It takes real commitment to alter something you are so used to doing. Writer Elizabeth Burke has pointed out that when you truly love someone and want them to be happy, sometimes changing your behavior is the only solution. However, it’s important to realize that the change in behavior has to come from a loving, authentic place. If it doesn’t, you will resent your partner for pushing you to make this change. True love shows that it cares.
If you’re the one who has to make these changes, you’ll have to be willing and commit to making changes in the way you allocate your time and energy to reallocate your time and energy, which may require a shift in the way you think. When it comes to big life changes and decisions, sometimes it just takes a little change for us to reap major benefits.
Making your spouse or partner a priority means your partner’s emotional needs are as important as your own. Putting your partner first means his or her needs, feelings, and wellbeing take priority over other people or things.
A “sense of we” forms as you maintain this priority on purpose each day. You protect your relationship from being destroyed or damaged. You cultivate your connection so it feels good to you both.
One helpful idea is the “couple bubble.” Psychologist Stan Tatkin describes it as a zone of emotional protection around a relationship. Having a “sense of we” is one way that more secure couples differ from those with more troubled connections.
When you’re a couple, you’re a team. Decisions you make not only affect you but your partner as well. So instead of just thinking “how will this decision get me ahead?” you must also take your partner’s opinion into consideration. This takes getting to know your partner on the deepest level possible and keeping a constant line of communication open.
Making your relationship priority number one doesn’t mean that it’s the end all be all. But it does mean that your decisions are made as a couple and not just as an individual. Certainly, this doesn’t go for every single decision you make in a day. But big decisions involving work, family, or anything that will affect the both of you should be made as a team. This will make both of you feel important (as you both have a say in the matter) and give a sense of much needed equality to the relationship.
This can be especially difficult if you’ve come from bad previous relationships or if you were single for a long time. When you’re used to being on your own, it gives you this sense of independence you don’t want to lose. Like we mentioned previously, sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective. Think of your relationship almost like another party – it’s you, your partner, and your relationship. You nurture it, give it attention as well as a place of importance.
Whether you’ve been together for a few months or several years, it’s important to always make an effort. Showing your partner that you want to make them happy (and will make a real effort to do so) and you care about them more than anything makes all the difference. It sounds so simple, but with our lives being busier than ever, we sometimes neglect our relationship. And that’s okay. But it’s important to recognize the problem and make the necessary changes before it’s too late.
Prioritizing relationships
Most of what we value comes from relationships, so relationship success factors will typically reflect what we value. In reality, our day is filled with social interactions that are often the result of routine or unconscious decisions. Choosing relationship priorities helps to make us aware of time spent with others and reveals the impact relationships can have on our lives.
The path to a successful love life is putting the relationship first. This means expressed and demonstrated love or caring that creates trust. Genuine love establishes that the relationship has your best interests at heart and that self-interests are managed to prevent negative consequences.
Besides the challenge of time for each relationship, we must also contend with different priorities from those we are related to. Each person will have different views on how much time to spend together, and on which activities. In many cases, needs may not yet be understood, making time planning difficult.
Choosing relationship priorities involves maintaining balance in relations. The choices for daily activities can be evaluated against these priorities to determine if they are useful in guiding life decisions. Harmful and unsupportive relationships would then be more easily identified and ended. Highest priority relationships can be given the time they need by taking time from those that are less important. Compromise takes less effort when the significance of the relationship is clear to both spouses/partners.
Applying this decision
Many of our relationships are the result of circumstances. We don’t choose much of our family. In most cases we do not choose our manager at work. But each of us chooses whom to marry or to be in a relationship with. Prioritizing relationships allows us to choose having a relationship in some cases, and to manage time and effort for relationships in cases where we don’t have a choice.
Here are some ideas that can help when working through priorities:
- What is important and needs to be attended to now?
- What can wait?
- What needs to be nurtured/programed for long term?
- How will we deal with changes that may occur? Expect changes. When life priorities change, relationship priorities should evolve to support them.
It is easy to go through life getting involved with relationships as they occur. Use this framework to help guide your relationships to enable a more intentional life.
Practical steps in setting priorities
- Plan your schedule(s) in consultation with each other.
- Plan activities together. Be intentional and keep working at this.
- Inform your partner quickly when changes have to be made and let them know why.
- Show that you care: A love note during the day tells your partner that you are thinking about them. Rescheduling something that you have so you can spend time with someone when they are unwell shows loving care, and is much better than saying I love you, and then being absent when your presence would mean much more to your partner.
- Talk to each other first, not second, third or fourth, when there’s information such as a promotion to share.
- Keep in touch with each other while you are away from each other, especially when you travel.
- Discuss concerns, rather than make categorical statements. For example, saying how you feel when a spouse/partner is often late to pick you up for a date is more helpful than stating you are always late. Watch undue possessiveness. Allow your spouse to have other interests. Being clingy can actually push the person away from you or pressure you into unhelpful behavior such as threats and demands to cut off other friends.
- Make emotional connection a priority. Take time to know and care about each other’s thoughts and feelings. Agree on use of free time.
- Respect that your partner may think, feel, or experience things differently.
- Be committed to improve/strengthen the friendship.
Luke 6:31 New Living Translation (NLT)
31 Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
Putting your relationship as priority ONE means that you consider everything through the lens of the two of you as a couple and how your decisions and actions will impact your partner and your relationship. This means putting the relationship first. We are not suggesting you should stop striving to better yourself, or that you should neglect caring for yourself. Rather, it’s your intention that will change, along with your attitude. Then your behavior will take into context the love relationship with your partner. Think we, rather than I; and let us replace me in your thoughts and vocabulary. Then you both feel important, cared for, and loved.
Conclusion
Counsellor Leslie Vernick recently wrote, “Where selfish demands rule and you have no voice or choice, a much bigger conversation is in order. You cannot change your spouse, but you can change how you respond and what you do about the person’s actions and behavior. You do not have to allow yourself to be treated anyhow just because you are in a relationship or married to someone.”
Writer Annie Downs has shared: “God has got this, whatever it is. Your family. Your career. Your relationships. He knows your pain. He cares about your pain. And He wants you to live bravely, in the strength and knowledge that He is working for your good and He is ultimately in control.”
1 John 3:18
New Living Translation (NLT)
18 Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.
New International Version (NIV)
18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
Making your relationship a top priority, even when you have kids, is truly a secret to a happy marriage. With God’s help, we will succeed.
References
http://empoweredtherapy.org/why-its-important-to-make-your-relationship-the-priority/ (5/17/20)
https://thriveglobal.com/stories/is-your-relationship-a-priority/ (5/13/20)
https://www.decision-making-solutions.com/relationship-priorities.html (5/13/20).
https://www.mountvernontherapy.com/putting-your-partner-first/ (5/17/20)