By Richard and Vivian Crabbe
In over 30 years of marriage ministry, we have learned from counselling many, many couples that the major obstacle to future marriage could be oneself, you. If you want to marry the best person from God, you must be the best for that person. Focus on how you can be Miss or Mr. Right, rather than finding Miss or Mr. Right: If you are married, focus on being the right spouse, rather than trying to get your spouse to change.
Christian marriage does not just happen because both partners are followers of Jesus Christ. If a person has not learned to have a consistent Bible reading and prayer life with God, he or she may not be of much help when an issue calls for prayer. If a person has not learned to support himself/herself by a vocation, the person is unlikely to have financial peace. If a person has not had a passion for the Lord, he is not likely to stir “another unto good works” (Hebrews 10:24). If a person has never led a soul to the Lord, he is less likely to lead a son or daughter to the Lord.
If you have not learned to drive a car, you would not just get into a car, turn on the engine, attempt to engage the gears and start moving, hoping and praying that you will drive well and enjoy it. Regardless of how great the engineering or how beautiful the car looks, you would first take driving lessons! So why do people “jump” into marriage and expect that the marriage will be great?
Christian marriage calls for a lifetime commitment to another “son of Adam” or “daughter of Eve.” Marriage not only involves love, romance, and happiness but also changing diapers, dealing with difficult in-laws and sharing your deepest fears with your partner. It is important that we understand clearly all that is involved in marriage before getting into a relationship towards marriage.
What about those already married?
If you are married, you can still learn to improve. You may have to do some of the things discussed below. In addition, attend marriage enrichment programs, and seek godly counseling to deal with issues that have arisen in your married life. Our monthly podcast on www.beinspiredpodcast.com will equip you with ideas and tools to help you develop and enjoy healthy, loving relationships and marriage.
So, how can a person prepare for a successful marriage?
Prepare spiritually
- Know who you are in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Remember that you are special and unique in God’s sight (Psalm 139:14-16; Genesis 1:31).
- Ask God for wisdom (James 1:5). God has good plans for your welfare (Jeremiah 29:11).
- Find out what the Bible—God’s Word—says about marriage (Genesis 1:26-31; 2:18-25; Ephesians 5:21-33; I Peter 3:1-7).
- Pray for your partner (Matthew 26:41; Mark 13:33). Pray also about areas in your life that might need to change. Note that prayer is no substitute for preparation, and faith is no substitute for hard work.
Prepare psychologically
- Know yourself, develop a positive self-image. Remember that you are special and unique in God’s sight (Psalm 139:13-16). Do not base your self-image on the world’s standards. It is not marriage that validates a person as someone important or worthy of respect.
- Develop your character (Colossians 3:5-14). Show respect for and learn how to relate to people from different backgrounds. You never know where your spouse will come from.
- Learn to take decisions without depending on others.
- Be convinced you really want to marry. Regardless of all those who may be involved in bringing someone into your life, it should be your decision to marry. You will make the marriage vows to another person, not to your family or friends! When in doubt, don’t move ahead. It’s better to wait till you’re sure. This is a decision to affect the rest of your life.
- Read good Christian literature on marriage. Check in your local Christian bookstore or online at Christianbooks.com. Our book, The Genesis of Marriage, is helpful for both single and married people.
- Seek godly counsel (Psalm 1:1-2; Proverbs 11:14; 12:15; 20:18). Arrange early for premarital counselling—at least 6 months before the wedding. Some couples leave this till very close, sometimes less than one month, to the wedding date. Couples who do this will not learn properly, because they are by then pre-occupied with wedding arrangements.
Prepare socially
- Learn social graces such as self-introduction, showing hospitality (greeting visitors, offering a drink, serving meals). See Rebecca’s story in Genesis 24: 10-31.
- Learn how to live on your own, cooking, keeping house, doing laundry.
- Develop healthy friendships (1 Corinthians 15:33). Do not allow parents, peers or others to push you into a relationship simply because you are growing older. It is unwise to enter into a relationship simply for financial or social benefit. Marriage is much more than wealth or prestige!
- Visit and help married couples, especially those with children. It is a useful way to learn about bringing up children before you have your own. For example, helping with a child’s (or adult’s) birthday party can give one valuable tips about how to organize social events.
- Involve yourself in planning family events such as a wedding, outdooring, funeral, and showing hospitality.
Prepare financially
- Learn a vocation, get a job, develop a career. The Bible states, “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10).
- Earn an income to finance your needs.
- Learn how to plan and balance your budget.
Prepare physically
- Take care of your body and health.
- Take care of your appearance. Perfect self-grooming: hair, clothing, and looks.
Prepare for a lifetime ahead
Life is more than a relationship or marriage. Instead of focusing on finding the right person, focus on becoming or being the right person. Above all, trust your future to the Lord Jesus. He will give you the best person for you in His time. You will have the last laugh over those who may be laughing at you now for moving forward with care and godly counsel. Single, dating, or married, the most important relationship in our lives should be with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.