ALL WE NEED IS LOVE: True or False?

Love is a frequently used word, yet one of the most misunderstood. The same problem occurs when we apply it to relationships. Love is often thought of only as the sweet feeling or excitement we have when we see or think of someone.

What does love really involve? Does true love exist? If so, how can one find it? Some people say that all we need is love? Really?

Following are some thoughts people have on love and marriage.

Love is a feeling of oneness with, of identity with, the other one. When there’s a full love you feel yourself as the other person. Then treating the other person is just like treating your very own self. You delight in the other one’s joy.

Lester Levenson

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Mignon McLaughlin

“True love is not a hide-and-seek game; in true love, both lovers seek each other.”
Michael Bassey Johnson

We all want to be loved

The truth is that every person wants to be loved. But what we understand about love or what we mean when we use the word love can be completely different even for two individuals married to each other.

Ed Wheat in his book, ‘Love Life for Every Married Couple’, notes that most people’s understanding of love comes from conclusions based on:

  • Personal experience;
  • Flawed reasoning due to cultural influence (including films, books);
  • Jumbled impressions.

Our societies often confuse love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is only possible to practice this kind of love if God helps us to set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. Thus, the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.

Most of us have grown up learning conditional loving, and that is not the true meaning of love in a relationship.

Conditional loving simply means that there is something that needs to be done or something that you need to have in order to deserve love.

It is also conditional because it is being withheld if certain conditions are not met by the other person. Let us note that withholding love is a way of punishment and a way to try to enforce ego control over the other.

What is the true meaning of love?

Real love is not something that can be gained or lost. It is never used as a means to an end.

But, loving unconditionally does not mean allowing others to abuse us.

Loving doesn’t mean we become a doormat for others to use.

Allowing others to abuse us only points out that we are not really loving ourselves.

And if we are not loving ourselves unconditionally, how can we love the other one?

All love must first start from us. Rather than look to others for love, we must first love ourselves, then we can love others.

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”

Carroll Bryant

Types of love

The British writer, C.S Lewis in his book of The Four Loves, identified ‘four loves’, which generally correspond to the different types of love mentioned in the Bible, and which give us a comprehensive guide to marital love in its totality.

TYPE OF LOVE GREEK NAME CHARACTERISTICS
1. Affection Stergo Producing a comfortable familiarity and a sense of belonging.
2. Friendship Philos That selective relationship among companions and comrades where two or few people strike a unique cord of identity or convergence of interests leading to sharing and mutual interest.
3. Gift or unconditional, selfless love Agape The God-like self-giving love irrespective of the recipient and the reward (parental love for children, to some extent).
4. Romantic Eros The dizzy, captivating feeling of passion and possessiveness that sends sparks of life and makes quick promises it might not keep without philos and agape.

Affection, friendship, and eros are human and natural and tend to spring up from companionship. We go to school and work with mates and colleagues, and we meet with others. And from these companions we choose our friends. Eventually, we develop romantic love for someone. Each of these tends to fizzle out without the support of agape. 

Marital love requires a unique blend of all the four loves supporting each other over the troughs and peaks of life. Ed Wheat puts it this way: “There can be no such thing as window shopping here. You cannot pick and choose the kind of love you prefer and discard others.  Each builds on the other. Each has its own significant place, as you will find when you begin putting all these loves into practice in your marriage. But if they are quite distinctive, they are also related so that the physical, emotional and spiritual processes overlap and reinforce each other in the act of loving.”

Why does being in love sometimes hurt so much?

Because we invest our time, our ideas, our thoughts, our money . . . our lives into the relationship. And when all of this is rejected or taken for granted, it hurts.

Here are some of the commonly cited reasons for lack of growth of love in a relationship or marriage:

  • Lack of attention from partner.
  • Taking partner for granted. The closest relationships we have are one of the first things that we can easily take for granted. We do not want to take it for granted. Yet, we forget how much something really matters to us when we don’t stand to lose it. Sadly, it usually takes losing something for us to realize its importance and value.
  • Neglect (not making time for partner) due to activities – school, work, church, friends.
  • Finding/focusing on partner’s fault(s).
  • Friends. They can make us feel guilty for not hanging out with them.
  • Not knowing what to do, that is, not knowing how to nurture the relationship. Simply put, ignorance in developing relationships.
  • Interest in/developing feelings for another person.
  • Irresponsible behaviour.
  • Obstacles to healthy relationship such as undue possessiveness or accusations.

We should note that, regardless of the profession of love or words of commitment we say to each other, a relationship that does not grow will die, is dying or is dead.

And so we know that to say we are in love with someone is not enough; we have to show it.

American family counsellor Bruce Mc Cracken put it this way:

Unfortunately, our culture has bought hook line and sinker into what I believe is the biggest relationship lie of all … that … love will keep us together

Why is that a lie? Because the love these swooners are singing about is a feeling that they would define as … the ideal feeling that you feel … when you’re sure you have never felt that way before. So, is there any wonder as to why we see couples calling it quits and breaking up? 

Too many see marriage as an emotional love affair built of pleasure and passion. The problem comes when one spouse believes that he or she has … lost that loving feeling … the marriage is over. And the search for someone else to make him or her feel the way they’ve never felt before begins again … and again. 

So … if love won’t keep a couple together what will? The answer is one word: Commitment.

Commitment means “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity.” Simply put, a commitment is a promise or agreement to do something. Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to something, such as a person or a cause.

“A healthy relationship, in my eyes, is when two people are equal in a relationship. We equally love, we equally respect, and we equally care.”

This means work; it means constant work. That cannot happen unless the two agree, commit themselves to do so, and actually take steps to carry out/practice what they decide or learn.

Commitment involves:

  • Being real, authentic: No pretense or covering up issues.
  • Working through all problems as they come up
  • Fully invested in the relationship: time, abilities, resources
  • Not just going along with your partner; speak up when necessary to get on the right track

Before you make a commitment, think carefully. Consider what it would mean for you. It might also help to think of what it would mean for your partner. In the emotional rush that accompanies having someone romantically interested in you, one can make commitments that may turn out to be impractical.

I’ll do whatever you want, go wherever you want. In fact, I’m prepared to die for you. But if it rains tonight, I will not be able to come and see you.”

Mel Schwartz, a psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and author says commitment

“usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships. For example, “I’m in a committed relationship,” or “I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying? We take it for granted that the word or the expression means the same thing to all of us. I can assure you that it doesn’t.

These offerings of relationship commitments are typically statements about behavior or proposed outcomes. For example, “I’m committed to you” suggests that I may not be seeking another relationship or that I’m going to be monogamous. The institution of marriage is most identified with the pledge of commitment. It is an undertaking of legal vows to substantiate our pledge to fidelity, if not continued love. However, statistics reveal that even when we formalize our commitments through marriage, there is as much likelihood of failure as success. After all, more than half of marriages experience infidelity, and we’re all aware of the divorce rate. So if our most honored commitments aren’t kept, perhaps we need to understand why that is so.

Schwartz also says, “The difficulty is that we’re making promises about behaviors and outcomes, but ignoring the process necessary to achieve those goals. Imagine a student offering a commitment to attain straight A’s but not devoting themselves to their studies. The commitment simply becomes lip service without the earnest devotion toward achieving the end.”

But there is hope. For believers in Jesus Christ, we serve the Lord, who Himself is love. We believe every relationship can be revived, even if on the verge of dying. We also believe that with a little work by both partners, every relationship can be kept fresh and lively. How?

In relationships, the outcomes that I’m referring to are notions such as continued love, happiness, and fidelity. It is mindless to think that we might achieve such outcomes if we don’t focus on the process required to reach these lofty goals. How often do we hear people commit to the process of a relationship? For example, what might happen if we committed to working on and sustaining our levels of emotional intimacy and learning the necessary tools to support that process? Or if we prioritized our intimate relationship by actually valuing the relationship over the less important things that seem to get in the way?

“I often ask couples if they’re talking about their issues with one another and disappointingly they suggest that they haven’t the time. And as unseemly as it appears, too often many couples actually don’t spend enough private time together. They can’t recall their last date night. They say that life has gotten too busy. We might imagine that the rates of falling out of love, experiencing an affair, or ultimately a divorce might likely ensue. If not, at least we might expect a prevailing mediocrity in such relationships.”

So, make time to discuss and agree on what you can and will do to improve your relationship. Otherwise, you likely will continue to be dissatisfied, frustrated or miserable.

Pastor Steve Sabol notes in an article titled,

“Speaking up for the relationship – true commitment”

Unity, teamwork–we’ve all heard the pep talks from coaches and bosses. We have to work together to make progress, to achieve, to win. And that message rings true in most venues. In certain sports, for example, successful teams have players who faithfully fulfill their assignments and put personal glory aside for the sake of the team. Individuals who freelance according to their personal agendas cause chaos on the field and defeat for the team.

The Bible says in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 12:10

“Be devoted to one another in love. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
– (ESV)

What to do?

Die daily

Apostle Paul: “I die daily.” — 1 Corinthians 15:31 NKJV

from the book, Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel, New York Times bestselling author:

Being broken isn’t just a moment in time born out of a painful event. It’s a daily choice to die to pride. To crucify lust. To destroy selfishness. Rather than living a life of ease, it’s a choice to live a life of faith. 

“When things get difficult, many run from God. Don’t do that. Run to Him . . . Forget trying to appear strong. Be weak. Be vulnerable. Be broken. It’s in your weakness that you discover His strength. In your brokenness, you find His blessings . . . The Gospel is an invitation to come and die. Die to your sins. Die to your past. Die to your flesh. And die to your fears—fear of not finding the right person; fear of not being able to love again after a broken heart; fear of not enjoying aa spouse’s love to the full.”  The Bible says perfect love casts out fear.  1 John 4:18 states,

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (English Standard Version).

Then you will have a new lease of life, powered by the Holy Spirit, to face the future. That’s how you start afresh and trust that you can love again, and will do better, with God’s help.  

It is important to understand the different types of love—affection, friendship, romantic, and agape—and to determine where you stand in a particular relationship. This will help to eradicate/clear any misconceptions and clarify thoughts, emotions and actions for both partners. We should also emphasize that within marriage these four loves still operate. The wise couple will seek to strengthen the bonds of their marriage by developing these four loves.

Conclusion

True love shows in loving actions:

True love cares: Philippians 2:3-4

True love gives: God so loved the world that He gave . . .” John 3:16.

True love forgives: “Forgive one another, even as God in Christ has forgiven you

True love perseveres: 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, MSG

“Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you’ve got, be resolute, and love without stopping.”

True love is intentional: Romans 5:8. While we were still sinners . . . That’s true, unconditional love. How does your love compare?

The Bible often has adjectives attached to love that help us with the practice of loving. Think of the following: Let love be genuine (Romans 12:9); Love that issues from a pure heart, clear conscience and sincere faith (1 Timothy 1:5); That your love may abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment (Philippians 1:9); Love acts! (Philippians 2:1-4). Discuss how you can practice and make these part of your life.

References

Adei, Stephen, Georgina Adei, Richard Crabbe, and Vivian Crabbe. 2014. How to Enjoy Your Marriage. Accra: Smartline Publishers.

Groeschel, Craig. 2020. Dangerous Prayers: Because Following Jesus Was Never Meant to Be Safe. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

McCracken, Bruce. “All We Need is Love AND Commitment.”

www.the marriagehub.com. Email of January 22, 2020.

Schwartz, Mel. 2009. “What do we mean by commitment?”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shift-mind/200910/what-do-we-mean-commitment